Rich people suck. The vaunted 1% are oppressors. Parasitic bankers. Casino capitalists. The greedy elite. The ruling class manipulates central bankers, who trick the people and steal their wealth. I read it on this blog, so it’s true. Who in their right mind these days would want to be rich? This is the question the other 99% are asking, as they occupy Wall Street, downtown Toronto and that hotbed of global finance, the Remembrance cenotaph outside of Halifax City Hall. Seriously.
Anyway, let me save you from yourself, in case you’re inadvertently accumulating money. Fortunately there’s an effective and time-tested program for remaining impoverished, while managing to look middle class (to avoid arrest). It’s called real estate. Here are the Ten Essential Steps.
- Buy with 5% down. This way you get to qualify for mortgage insurance! That means adding a whopping premium to your borrowing, as much as 2.75% of the entire home loan. On a $300,000 mortgage, with fees that’s almost $9,000 which means when it’s amortized and finally paid back, it has drained you for just under $20,000 in after-tax income. This is an excellent way to remain poor.
- Even better, buy with 0% down. Talk to Eddie. You remember the no-money-down guy, right? That are scads of Eddies around the country willing to help you buy a house with no savings whatsoever. So what if you have to pay a higher interest rate? This keeps you closer to the people. And moral. You can also use a cash-back bribe from one of the big mortgage lenders to purchase the home. That qualifies as a non-traditional down payment, entitling you to pay even more CHMC insurance. Bonus.
- Get a 30-year amortization. Gone are the fine old days when F rammed 40-year, zero-down mortgages through Parliament. Now the best you can do is 30 years, but do not despair. This is still a most legitimate way of ensuring you are raped and pillaged by the bourgeoisie. For example, that $300,000 loan amortized over three decades with 4% interest means you end up paying $85,593 over five years, and still owe $271,200. How cool is that.
- Whatever mortgage you were preapproved for, max it. Hey, the bank knows what’s safe, right? Why else would they offer a hairdresser with a part-time income of $35,000 a loan of $500,000? Now your job is to go out and find a piece of real estate that will suck up the entire amount. Because housing always goes up, everywhere, there is really no risk. And if there is, well, this affords a better opportunity to go bankrupt and smite.
- Don’t get a home inspection. Only girlie men and financial advisors (redundant) make conditional offers. Screw that. Be decisive. Be impressive. Swagger into your bidding war like a conquering hero, pick your teeth with a spent bullet, and slap that clean offer down while flipping the bird at the metrosexual young couple fool enough to oppose you. This way you earn the right to put in a new furnace, replace the roof and make innumerable new, very small friends in the walls.
- Focus on the appliances and the counters. This is the heart of real estate. Forget surveys, school catchment areas, appraisals, comparables, property taxes or even the neighbourhood. Nobody cares about that schlep any longer. The only words that matter are ‘Miele’ and ‘Bosch’ and ‘Subzero.’ Counters must be granite, concrete or glass. If they are porous and uncleanable, this is ideal since they will soon have to be replaced.
- Ask your MIL for investment advice. She knows everything. She knows what you know. She knows what you think. She knows what you will think. She knows houses. She learned all there is to know about real estate in 1972. So be quiet already. Resistence is futile. Give her daughter what she deserves. For once.
- Buy to impress your friends. They’re the most important aspect of real estate, as witnessed on HGTV. The only critical bits of a house are the ones your friends notice, like the Miele appliances, wine glasses and the door knocker. Your friends do not give a damn about high-efficiency gas furnaces, liquefied basements or bugs. Be more like them.
- Buy the biggest house you can afford the payments on. Debt is so iPod. Who cares? It’s not like you’re ever going to, you know, pay it back. This is just about renting money so you can get the most stuff possible to impress other people with and look rich. But not too rich. That sucks. So tell everyone you bought for nothing, just to stick it to the man when you walk.
- Don’t save or invest. That’s what Kevin O’Leary does. And look at him. In order to remain a viable part of the 99%, just keep shoveling money into your real estate. Buy glossy mags like Toronto Life and replicate every room they show in your own house. After all, what’s the point of having any investments when the parasite bankers and criminal corporate class are manipulating markets and stealing public wealth, creating crises and controlling governments while enslaving the masses with debt they profit wildly from by making the tax slaves covet real estate?
Who the hell’s going to fall for that?